


I Miss The Way You Make Me Feel

by nobodycareswhenyoureboring



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-25 15:47:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17728133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nobodycareswhenyoureboring/pseuds/nobodycareswhenyoureboring
Summary: There's one place which seems to have been where all of the biggest moments of Louis' life have happened. Some things he's proud of. Some things he'd much rather forget.(based off Castle On The Hill by Ed)





	1. 1

_When I was six years old I broke my leg_

Louis was lost. He’d lost his mum and he didn’t know what to do. She’d decided it’d be nice to take Louis out for a day to see a local castle because he was always so interested in fairy-tales and knights but Louis ran off to try to climb up a pile of rocks and once he’d given up and climbed back down, his mother was gone. Of course, being a vaguely brainless six year old, the brown haired boy decided that the best thing to do would be to run around aimlessly, assuming that she’d just come and find him easily. That was when he ran into a small boy, even smaller than him, who seemed to be lost too.

“Ow,” the younger boy sad as the pair of them collided, rubbing his head.

“Sorry,” Louis said, helping the boy up. “I’m Louis.”

“I’m Harry,” the boy replied. “Where’s your family?”

“I don’t know,” Louis said. “Where are yours?”

“I don’t know either,” Harry responded, “I’m scared they’ll leave me here.”

“Don’t be scared,” Louis replied and pulled the other boy into a hug. “I’ll look after you.”

“Really?” the young boy replied, the tears diminishing from his green eyes.

“Yeah of course,” Louis answered.

“Pinky promise?” Harry asked, the eyes that were once brimming with tears now brimming with something more like hope.

“Pinky promise,” Louis confirmed, extending his pinky to the other boy.

“Louis,” Harry whispered. “Can we be friends?”

“Yeah!” Louis replied, pulling out of the hug and giving Harry a high five. “Do you want to play?”

“Okay!”

So the two young boys set out about chasing each other around the castle, weaving in and out of tourists. The way they were acting, people never would’ve guessed the two boys had only met about ten minutes prior, they seemed more like they were related than strangers. Louis was faster than Harry and the younger boy wasn’t as stable on his feet either, so Louis found himself constantly looking over his shoulder to make sure he was okay, not sure why he wanted to protect his new friend so strongly.

“Louis,” Harry said breathlessly as they reached the outskirts of the crowds. “I’m tired.”

“Same,” the boy panted in response.

“Where do you think our families are?” Harry asked as he lay on the grass.

“I don’t care,” Louis said as he lay down next to the other boy. “We’ve got each other.”

“But where will we live?” Harry asked, turning to the older boy with wide eyes.

“In the castle, silly,” Louis said. “We can be brave knights who fight dragons and save princesses.”

“I don’t want to save princesses,” Harry said, sticking out his tongue. “Princesses are icky.”

“Well then we can be Sir Louis and Sir Harry, who live in the castle together and fight dragons and live happily ever after. The End,” Louis said with a confident smile.

“I’d like that,” Harry said, looking down at the blades of grass he’d been playing with.

“Anyway,” Louis said, slowly clambering to his feet. “Let’s go and practice fighting dragons now then.”

The two boys went on a hunt to find two suitable swords and eventually found two large sticks which were almost the same height as the pair of them.

“Let’s fight!” Louis said as he lunged forwards. “I’ll beat you Sir Harry!”

“No you won’t Sir Harry,” Louis replied as he jumped forwards, stabbing Harry lightly.

Harry ducked away, giggling, and the pair of them began jumping and stabbing at each other, pretending to be injured whenever the other stabbed them. That was, of course, until something went wrong. Harry aimed a slightly more forceful shot than usual whilst Louis was off balance. The stab caught the other boy by surprise, causing him to fall over and begin to roll down the hill the pair were playing on. Harry began hurtling after him, afraid he’d seriously hurt his new friend. His face was panic stricken as he saw Louis just lying on the side of the hill with his leg in a position that Harry had never seen before.

“Louis,” the boy said quietly, tugging at the boy’s sleeve. “Louis!”

There was no response from the other boy.

“Louis!” Harry screamed, before bursting into tears, not fully understanding what was happening, thinking he’d killed his newfound friend. “Wake up Louis!”

Luckily a kind, elderly couple had heard Harry’s desperate shouts and screams and went down to see what the noise was.

“Dearie, what’s wrong?” the woman said to Harry, who seemed inconsolable.

“It’s my friend,” Harry said whilst tears fell down his cheeks. “We were just playing and then he fell and I think I’ve killed him but I wasn’t supposed to we were supposed to be practising for when we live in the castle together and fight dragons and now I’m scared again.”

“Where are your parents?” the woman asked, after she’d sent her husband off to find a member of staff.

“I lost my mum and my sister,” Harry said as he began crying harder. “Louis said he’d look after me and that we didn’t need anyone else but each other anymore. He promised me we’d be okay.”

“Well I’m Ethel so why don’t you just come with me and I’ll help you find them,” she said, trying to grab Harry’s hand.

“No!” the boy shouted, wrenching his hand away. “I can’t leave Louis.”

At this point a young man in his early twenties ran down the hill. He tried to shoo Harry away from Louis but the boy refused to let go of the other’s hand.

“No,” he said shaking his head and wrapping his hands around his friend’s wrist even tighter. “Not letting go.”

Look kiddo,” the guy began, “I need to take your friend here to the office so we can help him find his family.”

“But I want to stay with him,” Harry said petulantly as he began to sulk.

“You can,” the man replied with a sigh. “Just follow me.”

Once they reached the office Harry found his mum sat crying on a plastic chair, with Gemma looking bored sat beside her, and another crying woman sat next to them.

“Harry!” his mum said. “Darling, what’s wrong?”

I think I hurt Louis,” Harry said as he began to cry more. “But I didn’t mean to we were just playing and then he fell and it wasn’t my fault I promise.”

“I didn’t think you did, sweetie,” his mum said as she picked him up and placed a kiss on his small forehead.

“Is my son okay?” the other woman said to the member of staff who had brought Louis back.

“He’s probably just broken his leg ma’am, there’s no need to worry,” the man replied. “Do you want to see him?”

“Do I want to see my son who’s been missing for two hours?” she asked, barging straight into the first aid room where Louis was being kept. “What kind of question is that? Of course I do!”

“Harry darling,” his mum said in his ear. “I think we should go home now.”

“No!” he replied. “I need to say goodbye to Louis.”

“Okay then,” she replied as she let Harry down off her knee and sent him off into the first aid room “Is it okay if he goes in there?”

All she got was a shrug in response from one of the castle employees, so she just assumed that it was fine.

“Bye Louis,” Harry said as he grabbed his friend’s hand.

“Bye Harry,” the boy replied weakly, obviously hurt from his fall.

“I’ll see you when you’re better again,” Harry said enthusiastically, not wanting to let go of the other boy’s hand. “We can play knights again.”

“Okay Harry let’s go,” his mother said as she half dragged him out the room.

“Bye!” Harry shouted, waving frantically to Louis with his free hand, who could only manage a weak smile in response.

Louis was sad. Not only could he not run around, but he didn’t know when he’d see Harry again. He’d never had that much fun playing with anyone before. He saw that day as one of his best memories, even better than the piano he’d been given as a joint Christmas and birthday present last year. Well, aside from breaking his leg, that wasn’t something he was happy about, but everything else about it had been amazing. He couldn’t wait to see Harry again, tell him all about getting his cast and getting him to sign it. Or maybe they’d wait until he wasn’t in his cast anymore. That’d be nice. Then they could run around as freely as they had before, he’d like that.

Throughout the summer, the boys didn’t see each other again, but that didn’t mean they forgot about each other. For Louis, he had the physical memory of breaking his leg, along with all the fun the pair had. When he shut his eyes at night, he urged himself to think of his young friend, with his bright green eyes, curly hair and dimples, not wanting to forget what he looked like for when they met each other again. Harry, on the other had had the fun, but also the deep air of caution which was rooted in him from what had happened. And those blue eyes. Those blue eyes which made him feel so safe and protected.

 Despite not seeing each other all summer, it wasn’t for lack of trying on the boys’ parts. Harry’s mum still hadn’t had the heart to tell him that the castle was two hours away from where they lived and that that meant that Louis was two hours away from him too so Harry still asked to go back to the castle every single day to try to see Louis again. Louis himself wasn’t allowed out of the house until after summer had ended as that was when he was finally allowed out of his cast, and anyway he had no idea that Harry lived so far away from him so even if his mother had let him go to castle like he begged, it wasn’t as though the curly haired boy who’d been running around his head since they met would be there.

Over time, the interest which the boys had in seeing the other one waned. After all, they were only young and they made so many day long friendships who they’d never see again. But that didn’t mean they forgot. It took Louis years to stop doing double takes at every curly haired boy he saw, and harry knew he’d never be able to bring himself to forget those blue eyes. Not for as long as he lived.


	2. 2

_I was younger then, take me back to when I_   
_Found my heart and broke it here_   
_Made friends and lost them through the years_   
_And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long, I know I've grown_   
_But I can't wait to go home_

Louis wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so nervous in his life. He wasn’t sure why though. These people were his closest friends in the world, they’d grown up together, shared all their best (and worst) memories together. What could be wrong with it? He’d originally been buzzing when his friend Liam had texted him about having a reunion at the castle they all used to hang out at, but now that he was on his way there, there was a small niggling feeling that he wasn’t sure about.

It had been five years since they’d all been together, five years since the first few people in their friendship group had gone to uni. They’d sort of unofficially disbanded after that, deciding it wasn’t the same being at the castle without the eldest few. Obviously it wasn’t like they’d all lost contact, he still spoke to Liam frequently and he’d seen Liam and a few others separately on numerous occasions but the entire old group being back together? Now that wasn’t something Louis ever imagined happening. Until now. He wasn’t even sure he wanted it to happen anymore either. It had been so long since they’d all seen each other, they’d all probably changed massively. What if they didn’t fit together like they used to? What if it changed how he saw people? He didn’t want to ruin some of his fondest memories of growing up by discovering he was no longer able to get along with the people he made those memories with.

And then there was the small matter of the way in which he’d left before he went to uni. It certainly wasn’t something he was proud of. If anything he’d say it was something he regretted every day. He didn’t want his old friends to think less of him because of one small moment of madness. Because that’s what it was. There was no explanation for it other than Louis temporarily losing his sanity.

 

**~~~ 8 YEARS EARLIER ~~~**

“Oi lads,” Louis’s friend Niall piped up. “There’s this new kid in my year who’s just moved onto my street, should I bring him tonight? Finally make me not the baby of the group?”

“Don’t see why not,” Louis muttered as he flicked the ashes off the end of his cigarette and watched as the rest of their group agreed with him.

“Sick,” Niall said as he ran off in front of them. “I’m going over to see him now actually. Seems nice but just a little shy, maybe warn the rest of the guys to play nice with him tonight. Yeah?”

“I’m always nice,” Liam protested, holding his hands up.

“It’s not you I’m worried about,” Niall replied, gesturing towards Louis. “Oi Tommo, be nice to him, okay?”

“But nice is boring,” Louis huffed, taking a long drag of his cigarette, earning himself stern looks from both Liam and Niall. “But anything for you Nialler.”

Louis would’ve been lying if he said he wasn’t curious about the new boy who was supposedly joining them tonight. They hadn’t had a new addition to their group in ages, they were very self-contained and saw their nights together at the castle as something sacred. Something not to be meddled with for no good reason. Niall wouldn’t have suggested bringing this boy unless he was sure about him. The Irish boy was often too trusting and kind to people for Louis’ taste, but he wasn’t an idiot, he was just as protective of their castle nights as everyone else. This lad must really have impressed him.

 

Later that night, Louis and the rest of the group, aside from Niall and his new addition, were gathered in their usual spot at the castle ruins. He obviously wanted to make sure everyone was there before he introduced the guy because Niall was always there before Louis, without fail.

Just as Louis was thinking this, he heard the faint sound of Niall’s laugh and saw two boys walking up the hill, one was Niall his long-term friend, and the other was a tall, slender boy, with a mop of dark curls, wearing a flowery button down (which had about two buttons done) and black skinny jeans. Where did this lad think he was going? Louis thought to himself. They were getting pissed in the muddy ruins of a castle, not going for a night on the town.

“Hey guys, this is Harry,” Niall said, breaking Louis’ train of thought.

“Hey,” the boy said slowly and Louis began to look at him in more detail. Even if Louis didn’t understand what he was wearing, there was something about Harry that intrigued him. He wasn’t like anyone else he’d ever met. No lad he knew would ever be seen dead in a top like that. And that was when he saw Harry’s hands. Despite being momentarily distracted by how huge they were, Louis also noticed that he had them painted black. Harry really wasn’t like any other lad Louis knew at all.

“So you paint your nails then?” Louis asked immediately, not thinking to welcome the boy first.

“Um, yeah, I do,” the boy replied, his green eyes looking down to stare at the floor. “Not a problem is it?”

“Of course not,” Liam interjected, shooting a glare at Louis. “I’m Liam, by the way, nice to meet you Harry.”

“I’m Zayn,” the boy next to Liam introduced himself as.

“I’m Perrie,” the girl sat on Zayn’s lap said with a smile.

“I’m Josh,” another voice contributed.

“Danielle,” the girl by Josh added, giving Harry a small wave.

“I’m Eleanor,” the girl by Louis added, putting her arm around him, much to Louis’ disdain.

“I’m Ed,” the boy on her other side added.

“I’m Steph,” a girl from the back of the group said.

“And I’m George,” the final lad said, looking completely disinterested in everything.

“Wow okay,” Harry said, his face looking like he was concentrating really hard on something. “I didn’t think there’d be so many people.

“Oh don’t worry about names, you’ll learn them soon enough,” Steph replied, helping the worried expression on Harry’s face dissipate. “We’ve all got little things to make us stand out.”

“Like what?” Harry asked curiously.

“Like Zayn and Liam’s weird relationship, my pink hair, Tommo’s lack of a filter and Niall’s wacky accent,” she began. “Look kid you’ll be fine, just sit down and stop standing there awkwardly.”

“Right okay,” Harry said, sitting down where he was and immediately regretting his decision as it put him right opposite the boy who’d just called him out for having painted nails, and whose name he definitely didn’t remember hearing.

“Want a fag lad?” Louis asked as he saw the new boy sit right in front of him. He’d wasn’t going to lie, he’d been surprised that he’d chosen to sit there of all places, especially after their awkward first meeting.

“Don’t call me that,” Harry said, surprising Louis with his sudden sternness.

“What? Lad?” Louis asked, confused, lighting himself a cigarette. “God, I only offered you a cig there’s no need to be rude.”

“Oh, you were offering me a cigarette,” Harry said, realisation suddenly showing on his face. “I thought you were calling me a… well… a you know what?”

“The fuck are you talking about mate?” Louis asked, growing in confusion.

“I thought you were calling me a fag,” Harry explained, causing Louis to feel immediately guilty. That was the first impression he’d made. He’d said about ten words to the lad and he already thought he was a homophobic prick. This was exactly what he was trying not to do. As much as Louis liked being a little shit, he wasn’t actually a bad person. And he was definitely a man of his word. So if Niall asked him to be nice, he’d be the nicest person on the planet. Well, he’d try to be.

“So do you want one then or not?” Louis asked, not really knowing what else to do.

“Oh no, I don’t smoke I sing so I’d prefer to protect my voice,” Harry explained. “But anyway I didn’t catch your name before.”

“Oi oi lads!” Louis shouted, cutting off the second part of Harry’s sentence. “We’ve got ourselves another singer in young Harry here.”

“Another singer?” Harry asked quizzically.

“Yeah, most of us sing really” Liam answered. “Me, Zayn, Niall, Lou, Perrie and Ed. And now you.”

Liam’s statement made Harry’s insides feel warm. He’d already been accepted in this group who all seemed so close and he hadn’t had that in what felt like forever. The last friends he’d had were never this close, which was why he didn’t feel upset about having to move and uproot his whole life. He didn’t really think he’d miss any of his old friends, especially now he had this new group who all seemed to like him. Well, aside from the small boy sat across from him.

“So are you Lou then?” Harry asked the boy sitting across from him.

“Lou, Louis, Tommo, prick, call me whatever you want sunshine,” Louis replied, taking a long drag from his cigarette.

“Louis it is then,” Harry said, biting on his lip slightly.

As the night went on, Harry went around the whole group, trying to get to know everyone a little better. He really liked Niall, Liam and Zayn and thought he could properly get on with them. He got on with more or less everyone really. Aside from Louis; he still wasn’t sure where he stood with the short, but insanely loud boy. Everyone was getting progressively more drunk as the night went on, and Harry smiled at how the alcohol had numbed his nerves from before. He smiled to himself, this was certainly something he wouldn’t mind getting used to.

“Harold,” he heard someone shout. “Oi Harold!”

Harry didn’t know that there was anyone called Harold in the group. Maybe it was just another nickname they had for each other, like Nialler or Tommo or something like that. Anyway, he didn’t feel the need to turn around because he was in the middle of a conversation about guitars with Ed and he just assumed that whoever Harold was would answer the person calling them.

“Oi Harold you prick,” Louis said as he whacked Harry around the head. “Why were you ignoring me?”

“My name isn’t actually Harold,” Harry explained, with a sigh.

“It is now,” Louis slurred, before grabbing Harry’s hand and hauling the significantly taller boy to his feet. “Want to show you around.”

“Louis I’m talking to Ed, can’t it wait?” Harry asked, trying to gently shove the boy off of him.

“Harry he’s the most stubborn person I’ve ever met, just go,” Ed said. “Guitars can wait but a drunken Tommo can’t.”

“So what do you think of the castle?” Louis asked after he’d pulled Harry off to around the back of the castle so that the pair of them were hidden by a wall.

“I thought you were showing me round?” Harry asked.

“Nah just wanted to get away from Eleanor,” Louis laughed, lighting a cigarette. “So anyway, what do you think?”

“Yeah it’s cool,” Harry said. “I’ve been here before though. I was four, I think, maybe five. But I remember it so vividly. I ran away from my mum and my sister to go and look at something and then I met this boy and honestly he was one of the most amazing people I’d ever met. But then he fell down a hill, broke his leg and I went home to Holmes Chapel and never saw him again. Cried every day for a week about that.”

“No fucking way,” Louis breathed, praying Harry didn’t hear him. “What was this kid’s name?”

“This is the stupid bit,” Harry answered. “It was Louis. But don’t worry I don’t think it was you or anything, there’ll be loads of people called Louis in Doncaster.”

“That’s sick lad,” Louis said, not wanting to give away his identity yet in case Harry thought he was being weird. “You know what Harold, I think I’m gonna like having you here?”

“Really?” Harry asked, and Louis felt like he’d been transported back ten years seeing Harry’s eyes full of hope like that.

“Yeah, you’re a cool kid,” Louis answered. “Even if you don’t smoke.”

“So, tell me about the group,” Harry said. “What relationships should I look out for?”

“Oh it’s complicated,” Louis began. “Basically, Liam’s dating Danielle and Zayn’s dating Perrie but Liam and Zayn are fucking and I’m pretty sure they’re in love with each other but for some reason neither of them want to actually mention feelings and still insist on keeping their girlfriends.”

“Don’t Danielle and Perrie mind?” Harry asked, looking the most confused Louis had ever seen him.

“Nah they’ve some kind of agreement or something,” Louis said. “It’s a bit fucked but it works for them. And then Josh and Niall both seem to have different girls every week, Ed has had this girlfriend called Cherry since birth practically, George just pines over people and never does anything and then Steph’s just broken up with her girlfriend so is probably gonna be a bit prickly for a while.”

“Noted,” Harry said, the lines on his face showing how he was concentrating intently. “But what about you? And Eleanor?”

“I was hoping you’d forgotten about that,” Louis said with a playful glint in his eye. “We fuck sometimes. When I can’t get anyone better. Think she wants to be me girlfriend or something but I’m just not about that.”

“Oh, what are you about then?” Harry asked curiously.

“Anyone but her,” Louis joked. “So, do you have your eye on anyone?”

“I wouldn’t say I had my eye on anyone,” Harry said slowly. “But I mean Zayn does look like a God.”

“Don’t let Li hear you say that,” Louis joked. “So you’re gay then?”

“I’m Harry,” Harry replied. “Never really been one for labels. I like who I like.”

“Sick lad,” Louis said as he climbed to his feet. “Me too, just so you know.”

This caused Harry’s eyes to widen, never suspecting Louis to be not straight.

“But anyway, if you need anything, just come to me,” Louis said as he turned to head back to the rest of the group.

“I’ve got Niall for that, haven’t I?” Harry asked innocently.

“I’m sure there are other things I could help you with,” Louis whispered in Harry’s ear, before walking back to everyone else. He should probably spend some time with Eleanor to make sure she didn’t start nagging at him.

Louis left Harry feeling more confused than he had in years. What did he mean by that? It felt like flirting to Harry, but Louis had Eleanor. Granted, he didn’t seem to like her very much, but he still had Eleanor. What would he be flirting with Harry for? Maybe he was just trying to be nice, saying he’d be there if Niall ever wasn’t. Yeah, that’d be it. Nothing else to it, just Louis being polite.

As the night continued, Harry began to watch Louis more closely. He saw how confident and cheerful the other boy was, like he didn’t have a care in the world. He wished he was more like that. Less worried about things. But how could he be like that? When the first real friend he’d ever had got hurt because of him. He found himself always looking for Louis, panicking when he couldn’t find him in the group, feeling an unwarranted sense of disappointment when he saw him returning hand in hand with Eleanor, the pair of them looking significantly more dishevelled than they had been before.

But what Harry didn’t realise was that Louis was looking for him too. There was something that inside him that Louis couldn’t explain, but he wanted to protect Harry. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was younger than him, if it was the way he saw how hurt he’d made him earlier in the evening, or if it was something else, but the feeling was definitely there. He hadn’t wanted to hook up with Eleanor originally, but she wouldn’t stop going on about it so he thought he may as well shut her up for the rest of the night. He saw a hurt look on Harry’s face as they returned and he felt awful. He wasn’t sure what Harry’s hurt look was for but if Louis had been there instead of being with Eleanor, then maybe he would’ve known. Maybe he could’ve protected him from it. But no, he was much more concerned with making himself feel better with a quick shag.

 

“Harryyyyyyy,” Louis whined a little while later as he staggered over to where the other boy was sitting before resting his head in his lap.

“How much have you drank?” Harry laughed, unable to resist the urge to pet Louis’ head and run his fingers through his hair.

“10? 11? 12? More? I don’t know?” Louis laughed, playing with his fingers. “Can you take me home?”

“Louis I barely know where I live, never mind where you live,” Harry said softly. “Niall’s taking me home later.”

“Oh God Harry I’m so sorry you’ve been stuck with him,” Liam said as he ran over. “I’m taking him home now.”

“Oh don’t worry about it,” Harry said with a smile, missing the warmth from his small friend as Liam picked Louis up bridal style.

“Right time to get you home Tommo, you’ve had too much. Again,” Liam said as he began to walk down the hill. “And by home I mean you’re sleeping on my couch because there’s no way your mum is seeing you like this again.”

“Bye Harold,” Louis shouted as Liam began to carry him down the hill, still in the position they were in before.

 

**~~~ PRESENT DAY ~~~**

Harry. Louis had never imagined seeing him again. He didn’t think he’d want to. Thought it’d be too painful. But he was still intrigued. How would he look? How would he act? Louis knew he’d fucked up massively the last time he saw him but he was determined to make things right this time. If Harry let him that was, he wouldn’t be surprised if he still hated him. Louis still hated himself for it. He could still see the hurt in his green eyes, the way the colour drained from his skin as he stopped smiling. Louis knew he was the cause of that, but he wanted to change things. He wanted to be the one who was responsible for Harry’s dimples always being out at every occasion again. He wanted that to be him. No one else.


	3. 3

_And I miss the way you make me feel, and it’s real  
We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill_

There were still plenty of times when Louis missed Harry. How could he not? The pair were best friends before Louis had messed everything up. There had been countless times over the years that he’d seen something he knew that Harry would love and have the urge to send it to him, only to remember that the pair were no longer on speaking terms, never mind being friends, and any kind of contact would inevitable make things worse. And then Louis would have no choice but to mope around all day and hate himself for what he’d done. How he’d thrown the best thing in his life away because of a moment of stupidity. There had even been times where Louis had fully typed out a message and had been about to press send, but would always chicken out before he did so. Anyway, Harry wouldn’t want to make amends. Not after what he did.

Harry had to hate him now. Had to. It couldn’t be up for debate. Louis would be massively surprised if he didn’t. And even though Louis knew this, there’d still be innumerable times where he’d miss the feeling of closeness he’d had with the other boy. He knew he’d never have that kind of connection with anyone else, he never had before, and he still hadn’t since. What he and Harry had was unique. So many of his fondest memories were with Harry, and even though it hurt him more than he could ever explain to think about them, they were also the three happiest years of his life, so he had no choice but to remember them. He never wanted to forget the joy he had back then.

 

**~~~ 8 YEARS EARLIER ~~~**

It had been a few months since Harry had first been introduced to the group, and although he got on with everyone incredibly and everyone adored him, there was no one who he’d connected with quite like Louis. The pair of them slotted together almost immediately, especially after Louis learned to stop putting his foot in it after the first night. It was like they were lifelong friends and they had such a deep understanding of each other that couldn’t be explained.

“Hey Haz,” Louis said one day when it was only the pair of them at the castle together. “Do you remember when you came here as a kid?”

“How could I forget?” Harry replied, making a daisy chain whilst sitting cross legged on the grass. “But why are you asking?”

“And you met someone called Louis?” Louis prompted, wanting the other boy to desperately get the hint.

“What about him?” Harry asked. “If you want to know which Louis I prefer then it was obviously him, he may have broken his leg but he was much less of a liability than you.”

“I see how it is then,” Louis said, feigning offence. “I was just wondering if you ever thought about him, after that day?”

“Of course, I told you I cried every day for a week because my mum refused to take us back to this place,” Harry said with a small laugh. “And I still get nervous around people, because I’m scared f hurting them now too. But most of all I remember how he made me feel. I’d never had a friend like that before. And I don’t really think I had another one like it until I came here.”

“Huh,” Louis exhaled. “That’s cute.”

This comment caused Harry to blush. Louis loved watching Harry like this, so soft and relaxed. The gentle pink tinge his cheeks had just made him look even softer in his opinion. Louis loved this kind of comfortable silence the pair of them were able to have. They didn’t need to talk for every second they were together, just being in each other’s presence was enough. He watched as Harry’s fingers quickly wrapped themselves around the daisies and suddenly Harry was sat next to him with two daisy chains.

“Flower crowns,” Harry said softly, shoving one at Louis. “Put it on.”

“No way in hell,” Louis laughed as he brought a cigarette up to his lips.

“For me?” Harry asked, fluttering his eyelashes. How could Louis say no to that?

“Fine,” Louis said, rolling his eyes, letting Harry place the flowers on top of his head. “I bet I look like a right prat now.”

“You don’t,” Harry said. “You look…” Harry not finishing his sentence wasn’t something that Louis wasn’t used to, Harry often spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully.

“I look?” Louis prompted.

“Like a prince,” Harry finished, with a small smile.

“Well if I look like a prince then you’ve got to be my princess,” Louis said with a smirk. “I mean you’ve got the crown, the long flowing hair, all we need now is to put you in a dress and you’ll be the perfect fit.”

“I am not being a princess,” Harry huffed.

“Fine, we can both be princes,” Louis laughed. “Prince Harry and Prince Louis who live in this very castle and live happily ever after. Is that good enough for you?”

“You know, that’s not the first time someone’s said something like that to me,” Harry murmured.

“Funny that,” Louis said, taking another long drag from his cig. How had this boy not figured it out yet? He’d been dropping hints for over a month now, but today he’d virtually told Harry it was him who he met but Harry still had no idea.

“Yeah, it was that boy Louis,” Harry said wistfully, his eyes showing that he was somewhere far away in his head.

“You know,” Louis said, deciding to just bite the bullet and go for it. “I had something like that happen to me here when I was six too.”

“Tell me all about it Lou,” Harry said, snapping back from being a million miles away.

“Me mum took me to the castle for a day out, probably to get me out the house because I was being a nightmare,” Louis said with a laugh. “I was always a hyper kid, running off and doing something stupid. But yeah, I met this kid and we just clicked. Oh and then I broke my leg and never saw him again.”

“Shut up,” Harry said, giving Louis a small whack. “I really meant it when I said that the kid I met meant a lot to me, don’t take the piss.”

“I’m not,” Louis said, more serious that Harry had ever seen him. “Haz it was me.”

“Prove it then,” Harry replied.

“How?” Louis asked, thinking about what kind of proof Harry was going to want.

“Tell me how you broke your leg,” Harry replied, arms crossed, waiting for an answer.

“We were pretending to be knights,” Louis replied confidently. “We were fighting with sticks and then you stabbed me when I’d lost my balance so I fell and you started screaming about how you’d killed me. You were quite cute really.”

“Oh my god,” Harry said. “It’s you. How is it actually you?”

“I never thought I’d see you again,” Louis breathed as he pulled Harry into a tight hug.

“You should’ve mentioned it before you dickhead,” Harry said, clouting Louis around the head. “Why didn’t you tell me when I first told you?”

“Wanted to see if we’d actually end up mates,” Louis shrugged. “We didn’t really have the best start.”

“I’d still have wanted to know,” Harry replied. “We’ve got so much lost time to make up for.”

“I mean we spend all our waking hours together Harold, what else can we do?” Louis said with a laugh.

“I mean firstly we can get a picture in these flower crowns,” Harry said, wrapping an arm around Louis and taking tonnes of pictures of them together. “And then I dunno, this is all too much to wrap my head around.”

“Same here,” Louis said with an amount of softness that surprised Harry. “But didn’t you have friends back in Holmes Chapel, wherever the fuck actually is, that overtook me?”

“Not really,” Harry said glumly, looking at the floor ashamed. “No one’s ever understood me like you or had a connection like we have.”

“Oh Harry,” Louis sighs, looking into the other boy’s eyes. “Let me take you somewhere.”

“What?” Harry asked confused, scrambling to his feet to follow Louis.

“I’m surprising you,” Louis said with a smirk as he grabbed Harry’s hand and began to run.

“This scares me coming from your mouth,” Harry replied, looking nervous. “It had better be legal.”

“Of course not,” Louis said with a smile, still running. “Nothing I do here is ever legal.”

“Is it safe?” Harry asked, slightly concerned.

“I mean I’m not dead yet,” Louis smirked, beginning to slow down. “Just calm down. Okay?”

Harry nodded as he followed Louis up some dark, steep stairs.

“Do you take people here often?” Harry asked as they climbed the stairs. He was behind Louis and was certainly not complaining about the amazing sight that was Louis’ arse. Any sane person with eyes would appreciate the view.

“Never,” Louis answered. “It’s my special place.”

“Then why are you taking me?” Harry asked, feeling his cheeks flare up red again.

“Because you’re my special person,” Louis said, looking back at Harry with a smile. “And this place makes me feel free and safe and alive and that’s exactly how you make me feel.”

Harry genuinely thought he was about to cry. Even though he and Louis had spent all their time together for the last few months, there were very few moments where Louis had been this serious and this vulnerable. Harry loved it. It took every bone of restraint in his body not to do something like grab Louis’ hand and turn him around to show him what he meant to him, but instead he just continued up the stairs.

“So, what do you think?” Louis asked as they reached the top of the staircase and were at the top of a turret, able to see the sun setting over every building in the town.

“It’s breath-taking,” Harry said softly, unable to do anything else but take in the view around him.

“Yeah, I love it here,” Louis said, not looking at the view, focusing on his friend and the way in which the light graced his features. Harry actually looked like he was glowing. The softness of the orange glow of the setting sun made everything about Harry just that little bit more beautiful. Louis wished he was able to take good pictures so he could capture this moment forever, the amazement on Harry’s face, the way the flowers still sat perfectly on his head, the way the limited light danced over him, gracing all his features. He just loved being able to see Harry happy and knowing that it was him who did that. He’d do anything to make Harry this happy over and over again.

“I can’t believe you wanted to share this with me,” Harry gushed once the light had finally diminished and the sun had officially set.”

“Who else would I share it with?” Louis said with a shrug, pulling Harry in tight to him and pressing a kiss to his temple.

“Eleanor?” Harry suggested, for as his own benefit as much as Louis’. Sometimes he felt that he and Louis got too close for two friends, especially when one of the friends was seeing someone else.

“She’s nothing but a warm mouth to me,” Louis said as he bolted down the stairs.

“Louis, wait,” Harry said, rushing after him.

“Harry, when will you accept that you mean a thousand times more to me than Eleanor ever could?” Louis said to him once Harry reached the bottom of the stairs. “You mean more to me than anyone ever could.”

Harry knew that when Louis got like this there was no point in even saying anything at all, not even words of agreement. So he just pulled Louis into him tightly and held him there for what felt like forever. For what Harry wanted to be forever.

 

**~~~ PRESENT DAY ~~~**

Those days were long gone. That was Louis’ favourite memory of the castle, seeing Harry’s face light up and feeling Harry hold him so tightly, but now he could barely think of that memory without feeling like he was being stabbed in the chest. He had given up trying to find the connection he had with Harry in other people, it was clear there was nothing comparable. What he and Harry had was a once in a lifetime thing, and unsurprisingly Louis had found a way to mess it all up. It’s not like his life was any better without Harry. If anything it was immeasurably worse. He was happy enough in his life, and by that he meant that he wasn’t constantly miserable, but he still felt alone constantly. There were so many times that he was surrounded by loads of people but he was still alone because he wasn’t with anyone who truly understood him. Because he wasn’t with Harry.


	4. Chapter 4

_Fifteen years old and smoking handrolled cigarettes_   
_Running from the law though the backfields and getting drunk with my friends_   
_Had my first kiss on a Friday night_   
_I don’t reckon I did it right_

Louis was certain of the fact that he’d changed since the last time he saw his friends, so surely his friends all would’ve changed too? Surely they’d all grown up and out in countless different directions, there was almost no way they’d all be able to fit together again like before. And anyway, all they ever did back then was drink and smoke together so there was really no guaranteeing that they would have anything in common anymore aside from the past. What if the connection was gone?

 

**~~~ 8 YEARS EARLIER ~~~**

“Come on Harry, just try it,” Steph said, extending a cigarette out to him. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Dying of lung cancer,” Harry mumbled to himself, ensuring Steph didn’t hear him, his confidence was at an all-time low since he’d joined the group. “It’s just not my thing. At all.”

“Why not? It’s never done owt to me!” Steph exclaimed as she began waving the cigarette in front of his face. “Just one drag Harry.”

“It could ruin my voice,” Harry replied. “I’m not doing it Steph so just leave it.”

“Killjoy,” Steph muttered under her breath. “You know second hand smoke’s practically just as bad as smoking anyway, don’t you? With the amount of time you spend with Tommo you practically smoke a pack a day anyway.”

Harry could feel his cheeks beginning to flush red. He didn’t like people talking about his friendship with Louis. He wanted it to just be something between them. It was something so unique that there was really no way for people on the outside to understand it, so he just preferred they didn’t mention it.

“Just shut up Steph,” Louis interjected, grabbing the cigarette out of Steph’s hand and drawing it to his own lips. “Leave him alone.”

“Thank you,” Harry whispered into Louis’ ear once the other boy sat down next to him, quiet enough so that none of the group would hear.

“I could tell you were uncomfortable,” Louis whispered back into Harry’s ear, so close Harry could feel his breath tickling his ear. Something about it made him feel warm inside, but he just brushed it away. He wasn’t going to deny the fact that he’d developed a small crush on Louis. But only a small one. How could he not? He was gorgeous, had the most amazing personality on the planet and any sane person who spent as much time with Louis as Harry did would automatically fall in love with him. So at least it was only a small crush. Nothing Harry wouldn’t be able to handle. He was sure it’d go away if he found himself someone to take his sexual frustrations out on, like Louis had with Eleanor. Just needed a hook-up buddy who he could go to when he wasn’t with Louis.

“Why don’t you down this then Harry, make up for Tommo ruining our fun?” Steph asked, extending a quarter of a bottle of vodka to him.

“Don’t H,” Louis whispered to him. “Don’t feel you have to.”

“Sure,” Harry said immediately, feeling too many of the eyes of the group on him to decline. He grabbed the bottle and before Louis could stop him, downed the remaining liquid in the bottle. Immediately after he’d done it, he knew he’d made a mistake. His eyes were watering and his throat was on fire. His vision already felt like it was blurring around the edges, but the warm feeling had come back. The warm feeling Louis gave him was there again, except this time induced by Sainsbury’s Basics vodka, rather than his best friend.

“Easy there Harold,” Louis said softly, his hand on Harry’s back to steady him. “You’re quite tall and I’m not sure I’ll be able to carry you home.”

Harry smiled weakly at this, Louis’ voice pulling him slightly closer to sobriety than he had been before. He moved closer to Louis, resting his head on his shoulder because his head was suddenly feeling very heavy.

“Hey Lou, can we talk for a sec?” Eleanor asked, interrupting the little Louis and Harry bubble that seemed to form every time the pair were within five feet of each other.

“Yeah, sure, what’s this about?” Louis said scrambling to his feet, looking over at Harry apologetically as Eleanor dragged his off to a secluded part of the castle.

“I think we should break up,” Eleanor answered as soon as they were away from everyone else.

“El,” Louis began with a rather bored expression on his face. “We were never together.”

“Well then I think we should stop this thing we have,” Eleanor replied. “It’s not fair.”

“What do you mean?” Louis asked. “Like I’m fine with ending things but what’s brought it on? Have you found someone else?”

“No, but you have,” Eleanor said bluntly.

“The fuck are you talking about?” Louis questioned. “I know we haven’t hooked up or anything recently but that doesn’t mean I’ve got someone else.”

“Stop pretending Lou,” Eleanor sighed exasperatedly. “I know you’re fucking Harry.”

“What the fuck?” Louis hissed, dropping his cigarette in shock from the girl’s statement. “I’m not fucking Harry. Not at all.”

“Harry’s fucking you?” Eleanor asked, visibly surprised. “I mean I never expected that.”

“Me and Harry aren’t fucking,” Louis hissed once more, trying to make sure none of the group heard. He didn’t want this to get back to Harry, didn’t want what he and Eleanor were talking about to change their friendship. He knew that he and Harry were closer than most mates were, but he didn’t see anything between them that would suggest that they were a couple. Sure, they were affectionate, and they spent almost every waking hour together (also most sleeping hours as they seemed to always be at one another’s houses), and maybe he called Harry beautiful a bit more often than most lads called their mates beautiful, but that didn’t mean anything. They were just friends. Some would probably call them platonic soulmates.

“Well you’re in love with him then,” Eleanor said. “I’ve seen the way the two of you look at each other, and it’s nothing like you’ve ever looked at me. Or anyone else.”

“How do I look at him then?” Louis questioned, still not believing what Eleanor was saying.

“You look at him like you’d kill yourself and everyone else here just to make sure he was never unhappy,” Eleanor answered plainly. “You look at him like he’s everything you’ve ever needed and everything you’ve ever wanted. That’s love.”

“Bullshit,” Louis answered. “I love him, but just as a mate. As a brother. I’m not in love with him.”

“Sure,” Eleanor said, rolling her eyes and laughing. “Anyway, you cool calling it quits?”

“We’ve barely seen each other recently,” Louis replied. “It’d be a bit weird if I suddenly had a problem.”

“Just thought I’d check,” Eleanor explained, before adding, “Do you know where we are right now?”

“The castle?” Louis asked blankly.

“This exact place is where we first kissed,” Eleanor said. “Truth or dare. We were twelve.”

“Oh yeah I remember now,” Louis laughed. “God that feels like a lifetime ago.”

“Just thought it was fitting to end where we started,” Eleanor said, turning to head back to the group. “You should get back to your boy, he’ll be worrying about you.”

“For the last time,” Louis half-shouted. “He’s not my boy.”

 

“Missed you,” Harry mumbled, half slurring his words. “What did she want to talk to you about anyway?”

“She wanted to end things,” Louis shrugged, taking Harry’s beer off him. “Reckoned I didn’t need her now I had you.”

“But we aren’t shagging,” Harry said, his brow furrowed, definitely not thinking about the possibility of shagging Louis.

“Don’t need shagging when I’ve got your company mate,” Louis answered, pressing a kiss to Harry’s temple. “I’d rather piss about with you all day than get with anyone at this point.”

“Really?” Harry asked with a small smirk.

“Course mate,” Louis said.

“I thought you two were hooking up when she pulled you away from everyone,” Harry replied, causing Louis’ jaw to drop. “I didn’t want you to.”

“You didn’t want me to?” Louis asked.

“Don’t like sharing you,” Harry slurred. “Prefer when it’s just me and you.”

“You really are drunk, aren’t you?” Louis laughed, slowly getting to his feet. “I’m gonna get you some water.”

“Fuck!” Louis heard Zayn shout as soon as he was on his feet. “The police are here.”

“What the fuck,” Louis groaned. “They’ve never come before.”

“They’ve been going on about trespassers here for ages Tommo, don’t you pay any attention?” Liam asked as his grabbed Zayn’s hand.

“Where are you going?” Louis asked, visibly confused.

“Just split up and run,” Niall said as he ran past Louis with as many beers as he could possibly fit in his hands.

“Come on then Harold,” Louis sighed, dragging Harry up to his feet and grabbing his hand. “Let’s get running.”

“Where are we going?” Harry asked, stumbling as Louis began hurtling down the hill.

“We’re just running,” Louis replied breathlessly.

“But what if we get lost?” Harry asked.

“Well it’s happened before and we were fine then,” Louis explained, not slowing down as his grip on Harry’s hand tightened.

“You broke your leg,” Harry replied. “And I wasn’t drunk and being dragged into a forest then either.”

“We can just hide near the front here,” Louis said, not really wanting to venture further into the dense mass of trees than he had to.

“How long are we going to be here for?” Harry asked. “My family are going to wonder where I am if I’m not back soon.”

“You spend practically every Friday night at mine, they’ll be fine,” Louis assured his friend as he pulled him down to hide behind a large tree. “If you’re that worried just text them.”

“Oh yeah, sure,” Harry said, his fingers shaking as they hovered over his screen.

“Why don’t I text them instead?” Louis suggested. “We don’t want them knowing how drunk their innocent little Harry is.”

“I’m not that innocent,” Harry huffed, but letting Louis type all the same. “Thanks again for earlier.”

“For what?” Louis asked as he handed Harry’s phone back.

“Having the cigarette,” Harry explained. “I know it’s pathetic because it was just one and all of you do it all the time but I just really didn’t want to.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Louis replied. “Not really like getting a free cig was a bad thing for me.”

“And sorry for having the vodka,” Harry added. “I know you didn’t want me to.”

“Well maybe I made a mistake,” Louis said. “I’m really enjoying drunk Harry. I really like some of the stuff he says.”

This brought a smile to Harry’s face, which was promptly replaced by his chattering teeth. It was freezing and Harry was just wearing a thin shirt, which was obviously only halfway buttoned.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, just cuddle me,” Louis laughed, rolling his eyes. “Conserving body heat and all that.”

“You’re sure?” Harry asked, not waiting for a response before he cuddled under Louis’ jacket.

“Well Anne would never forgive me if I let you freeze to death here,” Louis answered, rolling his eyes at the question. Him and Harry cuddled whenever they shared a bed, which was at least twice weekly, so it wasn’t a new thing they were trying. “You should really wear warmer clothes.”

“Should’ve known you were only using me to get closer to my mum,” Harry huffed. “And anyway, I can’t wear warmer clothes, it wouldn’t be my style.”

“Oooooh, your style,” Louis joked, jabbing Harry in the side. “Can’t believe I forgot you were a world famous model. Did you decided who you were modelling for this fashion week? Gucci? Alexander McQueen perhaps? I’m sure you’d simply dashing in some Prada.”

“Stop it,” Harry mumbled into Louis’ jumper. “But just for the record, if I did, it’d be Gucci.”

“Always knew you were expensive,” Louis laughed, ruffling Harry’s curls.

“Look, Lou,” Harry began, looking up at the older boy. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Louis asked.

“Everything with El,” Harry answered.

“I told you it was fine,” Louis insisted. “I’ve got you.”

“You’ll always have me,” Harry replied softly. “But don’t you want to find love?”

“Well I didn’t love El, so it’s not like I’ve missed out there,” Louis answered. “And anyway, I love you, don’t I?”

“You what?” Harry asked in disbelief, head snapping up and off Louis’ chest.

“Well not like that, mate, but I still love you,” Louis explained, guiding Harry’s head back to where it had been. “Do you believe in platonic soulmates?”

“Probably,” Harry replied, feeling slightly deflated but determined not to let it show.

“Probably?” Louis asked. “You think you’re going to find someone better than me out there?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Harry mumbled, so quiet not even Louis could hear him.

“You should’ve seen your face before H, when I told you I loved you,” Louis laughed. “It was priceless.”

“Was it?” Harry asked, trying to appear more light-hearted than he felt.

“You looked so surprised,” Louis said. “But could you imagine if we were a couple? It’d be wrong on so many levels. Like I was fucking my brother or some shit.”

“No way,” Harry replied instantly.

“What? It wouldn’t be wrong for me to fuck my brother?” Louis asked. “Maybe in somewhere like Alabama but this is Donny. It’s fucking wrong.”

“It wouldn’t be like dating your brother,” Harry answered, thanking the copious amounts of alcohol he’d consumed for this newfound confidence. “I’m too much of a good kisser for that.”

“Prove it then,” Louis said.

“How?” Harry asked, sitting up and looking Louis straight in the eye.

“Kiss me,” Louis replied with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. There was no way Harry would do it. He was drunk but he wasn’t that drunk.

However, Louis’ thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of Harry’s lips smashing against his. It was forceful and messy and he couldn’t believe it when he found himself parting his lips slightly, letting Harry’s tongue gain entry to his mouth. He moaned slightly as Harry nipped at his lower lip and felt himself turn bright red. He couldn’t believe he’d just done that. Moaned into his best friend’s mouth as they kissed just so that his friend could prove he was a good kisser. He pulled away almost instantly after, feeling too ashamed to carry on the kiss.

“So I’m not like your brother after all,” Harry said with a smile.

“Whatever gave you that impression?” Louis asked, looking at the ground. This role-reversal was weird for him. He was always the confident one, the loud one, the forward one. Harry was the quiet one, the shy one, the one who normally looked at the floor.

“That obscene little moan,” Harry whispered in Louis’ ear before biting his lobe, extracting another breathy moan from Louis as he began to kiss his way down to his neck. “Just like that one.”

“Dickhead,” Louis replied, whacking Harry on the arm.

“You love it,” Harry answered with a smile, fluttering his eyelashes.

“If you play your cards right,” Louis responded with a smirk, feeling his confidence coming back to him.


End file.
